Family · step parenting · Uncategorized

Step parenting – the minefield

So I am a step parent, my husband is a step parent, my daughter has a step mother and the whole thing can sometimes be a minefield. The relationship my daughter has with my husband is amazing, he loves her like his own and she loves him. They laugh, joke, hug, piggyback, make plans, play, and just enjoy each others company. They think of each other when apart and look forward to sharing good news with each other. In short i’m truly lucky things have worked out so well.

My relationship with my husbands son is also good, considering he is a 16 year old boy its not as easy as a 6 year old girl but we do alright. We can hold a conversation, when he feels like talking, he can be great company on days out and family holidays and I do try and make sure he is included in events where I can. But like I said its not as easy with a teenager, he works part time, has a girlfriend and if Facebook is anything to go by a lot of friends so we don’t see him as much as we would like. There is quite often, lets be honest, a better offer going on somewhere else. Who can blame him, when we were 16 did we want to stay in on a Saturday night with our family or were we out at a “friends house”?? Its not just the lack of time we spend together but also the quality time, sometimes sleeping takes precedent over playing board games, watching a movie or even playing Playstation!

Unfortunately having such a big age gap between the two does mean  we are sometimes stuck finding activities everyone will enjoy, on holidays abroad he has to suffer the kids discos before the adult entertainment starts and at home it often means we are confined to the house of a Saturday night as she is asleep upstairs. But on our camping trip this year we all enjoyed a trip to a castle and a game of mini golf on the beach so it can be done, and dont get me wrong Scott sometimes takes him out or goes over to his so he isnt just confined to Saturday nights in with just us,but again this is all less time I get to spend with him. I dont take it personally, right now he is more interested in being a teenager than building a relationship with me, I get that. But over the 3 years I have known him I feel like lately that gap has widened and we are more distant than ever. Even Scott struggles to get a sentence out of him at times and a visit to the Grandparents is like gold dust.

So back to my title line, I guess I never really thought one day I would be step parent and if I did I just imagined I would parent this child in the same way I did my own, love and care for them the same, and offer them the same relationship I do my own. My daughter’s father has a partner he has had for 3 years also and she does not have the relationship with T that Scott has. If i’m honest its the polar opposite. There are no hugs, no affection, no cards or presents on birthdays, she doesn’t ask how T has been if she has been poorly, doesn’t kiss her goodnight or shower her. There is no involvement in T’s school life or homework and she doesn’t show an interest in T’s hobbies. Yes they holiday together and T never has a bad time there but her children are very much separate to T and I just find that strange.

Here I am wanting a relationship with my “step son” and struggling to build one and here she is not trying to. Obviously i’m biased and thinking why would anyone not want a relationship with my sometimes grumpy little monkey perfect little girl,  but hey there isn’t much I can do about that. All I can do for now is keep plugging away the same as my husband and hopefully one day this relationship will build to be two way!

Any thoughts, comments, experiences on step parenting are very welcome, hats off to anyone doing it because it can be a roller coaster ride that you are only a passenger on!

4 thoughts on “Step parenting – the minefield

  1. I’m not a step parent but my husband is a step parent to my son and his real father has a girlfriend of 4 years. They have a child together and another one on the way. Our situation is so similar to yours outside of the fact that all kids involved are under the age of 10. I’m so not ready for the teenage years haha!
    Anyways, my son and husband have an amazing bond. It’s more than I could ever dream of. My son doesn’t like the word “step” so he decided to call my husband his father-in-law. I’ve explained to him so many times that he can’t possibly be his father-in-law. Even with my son knowing the real meaning he still thinks that it’s way better than stepdad.
    My son’s father’s girlfriend isn’t as involved in my son’s life either. For the first 2 years after our divorce she was willing to have holidays and birthdays together so that my son could have all of his family with him. For whatever reason she stopped caring and stopped trying. She does do simple things for my son when he’s over there but ever since she had a child of her own he’s been put on the back burner. He notices it and it use to really bother him. Now he just gets annoyed with it mostly because he feels like it somewhat messes with the relationship that he’s trying to have with his father. He hasn’t had a son and father day in years and he thinks it’s because of her.
    I’ve tried all I can to bring attention to it but nothing seems to work so all I can do is make the best of the time he has with my husband. They have plenty of days together to just be boys. My husband will get on his level to make him feel like he has a playmate and best friend; someone he can always count on especially for the “boy” conversations that I’m not too sure how to have.
    There’s no guide to tell us how to be perfect when it comes to being a parent or step parent but from the sound of it you’re doing an amazing job and you’re not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 😊 It’s not easy is it, we just can’t understand why they don’t love our kids as much as we do, especially when they have kids of their own. I just love that T calls our house home and their house Daddy’s, she misses us when she’s there and is always pleased to be back in her own bed, they are only small once so I think we have to grab the chance to be there with both hands because you can’t ever get this time back.

      Liked by 1 person

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