Childhood · Family · Uncategorized

Unwanted family vs wanted family

So my family structure is a little complicated. I have a brother and a sister who are my half siblings – although I have never and will never refer to them as this. My stepdad came into my life when I was a toddler. My parents had separated before I was 1 and my Mum had a lot of difficulties with my Dad at the time. I remember visits when I was young, he would turn up to pick me up and I would have to walk pretty far to the bus stop and then maybe on a train and some more the other end. Sometimes I was put on the bar of his push bike and we would cycle to his place. When I think of this I know I would never let T do this but I guess people weren’t so safety  conscious back then. I remember we would visit his Mum and Dad,my Grandad was called Danny and was Irish, his mum was called Eileen. They loved me and looked forwards to my visits a lot. The thing is I didn’t get to go very often so sometimes I would come away with my last 2 Christmas and birthday presents! My Grandad drank a lot, I never thought of it as a bad thing when I was little but he was always going to the tavern and would often get back late. When I would wake up in the morning he would be slumped at the kitchen table with a coffee and a cigarette. I just used to think he was always up early. I used to roll his cigarettes for him in a rolling machine too. Again looking back why did no one tell me this was not an appropriate thing for a child to be doing?!

Anyway the visits gradually got less and less and I would usually get let down at least once before he actually showed up. I would get a late birthday card with £5 in, if anything and it would usually be once a year he would show up. When it got to 2 years and he rang I was 18 and had been moved out over a year, he knew nothing about me and I wanted to keep it that way. We argued and I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.

10 years passed and then one day a text. “I miss you I always think of you Dad” I don’t know what right he thought he had to call himself Dad after all that time but he had text to tell me my Grandad had died. I was sad as although I hadn’t seen them in a long time I was always fond of my Grandparents and even though my childhood memories of them weren’t always age appropriate I was always well looked after with them and I would have maybe liked the opportunity to have more of a relationship with then.

Nothing came of the texts and we never met up then last year a Facebook request from a woman I’ve never met telling me she is my Father’s partner and he misses me and would like to be part of my life again. The thing is now too much time has passed, I have a child and I couldn’t have her going through the let down and upset I did. I remember as a child sitting with my coat and shoes on ready to go and him calling to say he wouldn’t be coming. Then my mother taking the phone off of me and screaming down it at him. It wasn’t pleasant and I will never let my baby be treated like that.

So still I have no contact and still I block the messages and numbers and this is my choice. At my wedding the only real father figure I’ve ever had my Step dad Colin gave me away. He looked after me from the moment I got in that car as much as I knew he would by using his sense of humour. As I gripped onto his arm for dear life walking down that aisle I couldn’t have felt prouder to have him there.

When we registered to marry I was told unless he was married to my Mum he couldn’t go on my marriage certificate as my father. I was devastated. There was no way I was putting that pathetic excuse for a father on there when I hadnt even seen him since I was 16. Because of this I had to leave my father’s name blank. Surely I should have the choice to put who I want on there and not have to be told that someone who has been there through it all for me since I was tiny would not be allowed on my legal document. I found it unfair and still do.

So family is tricky, I would have maybe liked more of a relationship with my Grandparents but being a child I never had that option, when his contact stopped so did my visits to them. I’ve got a half sister out there somewhere I know nothing about apart from her first name and lots of cousins that I don’t have contact with either. The thing is my relationship with my Stepdad isn’t what I would say is close either now, he lives a few hours away and has his own life now with a new partner and we dont speak all that much. I try to keep in contact with him but everyone has their own lives these days. It’s the same with my brother and sister, she is living in New York and my brother is at Uni. Unless I initiate conversation with any of them I don’t have contact.

So I guess the purpose of this blog, people taking family for granted. People who have close knit families an don’t realise just how good they have it. Whether you are young or old family takes work, just as much as friendship does, you aren’t born with a bond that will never be broken it takes effort on both sides so love the family you do have because not everyone is so lucky.

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6 thoughts on “Unwanted family vs wanted family

  1. Great post and meaning! I have a half-brother out there somewhere. Long story but I’ll probably never meet him or even know his name. Most of my family is scattered and only a few of us are close now days. I guess it happens to more people than I thought. I do cherish the family I have around. What more can you do?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is such a moving post and a beautiful message. Sometimes I feel smothered by my very large family, though I do strive to appreciate them all. Your words helped me remember how fortunate I am. My parents are divorced, so I understand the challenges of a fractured and reshaped family. It sounds like your memories of your paternal grandparents are very dear. Sometimes rifts can be bridged, and sometimes it’s better to maintain distance. The most important thing is to surround ourselves with love, and as you said, to appreciate the people who are there for us. Thank you for these reminders!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you im pleased you found it helpful! Sometimes memories are the best we can hope for so we hold onto them for dear life because unfortunately we don’t know when we will get the chance to make news ones again even if our family are here still.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this post. I was adopted at 9 months from a third world country. My biological mother was a bar girl and my biological father was either an American soldier, a Vietnamese soldier, or a local Filipino, who knows. I was adopted by an American military family and brought back to the USA at 2 years old. I know nothing of my biological family, so I live by my own saying “You don’t have to be a mother because you’ve given birth, but you become a mother when you share the love and hurt.” Meaning, “family” isn’t always blood related. In fact, my adoptive parents had 3 other kids after me. So my “sister” Heather and I do not get along. She is a drug addict, alcoholic, treats my parents like crap, and she’s 34 going on 12. She was with so many different guys and had 3 sons. One of which is an amazing kid, good and smart, and he was put in a situation where he had to defend his mother from her abusive drug addict partner and he ended up killing her partner. There was a trial and my nephew was innocent due to self-defense, but if it werent for my sister’s ways, her kids would not have been in that situation to begin with. I helped petition his innocence, but I would never have anything to do with her again. When I look at her, I’m glad I’m not blood related sometimes. Family consists of those who love you and care for you. In the long run, what matters most is who is with you all the way to the end. You deserve to have good people in your life and be treated the way you treat others! My husband, my kids, and I hardly ever had family around, begin military we moved every 2 years, so we simply make our own life and when we find good people, we make them family. GREAT JOB!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Wow that’s awful your sister couldn’t see what she was doing before it got to that stage but like you say it’s not all about who you are blood related to its about who means the most to you in life. Your parents will always be your parents no matter who gave birth to you they have nutured and looked after you through life and it sounds like you are so lucky to have them.

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