When I started this blog I knew it would be honest if nothing else, so here goes today has mostly been a pretty rubbish day! Waking up to another grey and wet dreary day instantly put a block on my plans to test out my new walking boots and find a new place in the countryside to walk as it was a morning just us two. Instead as the rain came down we decided to work out our money situation up until payday, this was not a great start to the day. As usual we spent out over our Christmas ensuring our friends and family got everything we wanted to buy them but as usual we left ourselves short for January. Every year is the same and January is always a struggle but today working out just how much we dont have until we get paid really brought me down. I think it was a culmination of a few things that added to how much it affected me, I had a couple of friends that for various reasons let me down at the last minute on plans this weekend and as a large part of it was spent on my own that meant it was quite lonely at times. When this happens and I dont have T at home I just miss her even more and I found myself sitting in her room yesterday just longing for her to be home. On the flip side I did manage to arrange a couple of last minute plans with friends which worked out really nicely, I guess its not always the best laid plans that work out the best. I’m struggling to see where I fit in and am having a lot of self doubt with friends lately so it was just nice to have a couple of impromtu meets with people who I could relax around entirely and just be myself. Another positive was Scott’s Christmas work do last night, again I was not feeling up for going out and especially being in a room of people I didnt know and who I’d never met, nervous braces talk again, but it was actually a really fun evening, and he works with a lot of very lovely people!
So back to today after we wrote our spreadsheet on just how much money we dont have we took the dog on a short walk and I worked on my 1000 piece jigsaw for over an hour until T came through the door! It seems feeling like I dont belong, the bad weather spoiling my plans and our lack of funds just put me in a really low mood and all I needed was my little girl to come home and be close to me. The minute she walked in the door my mood improved, I was kissing her face, holding her on my lap while asking all about her weekend then dressing her up for a family birthday tea this afternoon. I think I just needed to feel like I had a purpose. I felt like I had failed at managing our money, failed at arranging an activity for me and Scott to do because the weather was awful and failed at meeting up with friends as for whatever reasons they cancelled on me. I needed the one thing here that I know I havent failed at, being a Mummy.