Two and a half months ago I joined a choir. I was in a bit of a slump at the time trying to figure out who I was apart from Mummy/wife and this came along and just suited me so well.
Yesterday we had our first gig, we sang at a charity ball infront of 200 seated guests, nothing like starting off in the deep end!
We only had a 15 minute slot which meant 3 songs and off and we had been practising these three songs over and over for weeks now. There was one particular part in one song we keep getting wrong but we nailed it in rehersal and were all feeling confident.
We wore T shirts with Anna’s Hope on, the name of the charity, and my nerves were creeping in while we were lining up ready to go on. Then that was it, We were walking in and lining up infront of this huge room of people. My heart was in my chest, almost coming through it. I’ve not done anything like this since school and I’m 33 so that was a little while ago now!!
I’m pleased to say we absolutely nailed it!! We couldn’t have sang better if we tried and they loved it. The feeling I got coming out of that room was just pure happiness that we did it! I was so proud of all of us for sounding so amazing and putting on such a wonderful performance!
If you had asked me in 2018 can you see yourself singing in a choir to over 200 people,most of whom arrived in Bentleys and stretch limos,I would have said never in my life! But I did! When I’m singing with the choir I just feel confident like I can do this, I enjoy singing and so do all these people around me and we are making this awesome sound together, putting on this wonderful show for everyone to see and they like us! It’s a feeling I can’t explain other than to say it feels amazing.
I can’t beleive I did it and I’m so proud of my whole choir for sounding so amazing too!
I am sensitive but strong, kind but take a hard line.
Words cut deeper than they should yet I say nothing and put on a brave face.
I am independent but need support, I love deeply and forge strong bonds,
I am like an elephant and never forget, old wounds taking a long time to heal.
I am always giving and often not taking, brave but scared inside
I am striving for uniformity and struggle when there are differences I cannot explain
I am emotional but tough, I am easily affected but not always on the outside
I am easy going but only in the right conditions, I am chief planner and organiser.
I may be difficult at times but underneath I am vulnerable and have battles just like everyone else
I am all of these things and I need to remember I am only human.
How would people feel if they knew how I felt inside?
Would they jump right on that phone, get in their car and drive?
If they knew my mind was whirling and at times I just felt lost, would they be the one to help me, no matter what the cost.
If they knew how being lonely had just become the norm, Maybe they would try to get me back on form.
There are people you are close to,people you hardly see, people who make effort with you and people you wish you could see.
But my brain stops me from texting, my fingers they just won’t move, just hoping and waiting maybe they will text me soon.
Then time creeps in and it becomes harder, wondering why no one calls, weekends and days off are spent lonely in these four walls.
And this is how I carry on until some days I break, and send that text I’ve been waiting to send no matter what the fate.
Some days I just wish I was higher, further up the list, then maybe they would call me, before it got to this.
From a young age I’ve always been scared of the dark. I would have screaming nightmares where my Mum would have to come and calm me down in the middle of the night and was terrified to sleep without the hall light on.
Fast forward 30 years and I’m still that person. Although I no longer sleep with the light on I still have an irrational fear of the dark. If the lights are suddenly turned off without me expecting I either get angry or my heart races to my mouth and my breath races. Our house is very creaky as it’s warming up and cooling down and these noises are bearable if I’m in a lit room with other people but at night in bed my head turns them into the sound of someone walking along the hallway. It’s always someone walking towards our bedroom in my mind, this is why I’ve never been able to sleep with my back to the bedroom door. I need to be able to see what is coming.
Still all these years later these thoughts will keep me awake for hours and end up with me becoming terrified of nothing. Too scared to let go of the covers but melting with how hot I’ve become. When I finally fall asleep I dream. These are vivid dreams of either someone in the room or something in the bed and I don’t just dream, every once in a while I will wake up screaming full pelt and my husband has to calm me down. Either that or i will jump out of the bed in my sleep and start checking it for whatever was in it in my dream that night.
These nightmares don’t last for long and sometimes don’t amount to full on screaming but just waking with a start with my heart racing. These times I don’t wake Scott and mostly just lay there scared until I fall back to sleep again.
This is something I’ve had since I was a child and I’ve honestly no idea how to stop it. I’ve never talked to anyone about it or looked into anything that could be the trigger or might help and I’m writing about it here for the first time because I’m ready for it to stop now.
I know these fears are irrational and as a parent I would explain the same to my daughter were she to have them but how can I when I’m still having them myself?