From a young age I’ve always been scared of the dark. I would have screaming nightmares where my Mum would have to come and calm me down in the middle of the night and was terrified to sleep without the hall light on.
Fast forward 30 years and I’m still that person. Although I no longer sleep with the light on I still have an irrational fear of the dark. If the lights are suddenly turned off without me expecting I either get angry or my heart races to my mouth and my breath races. Our house is very creaky as it’s warming up and cooling down and these noises are bearable if I’m in a lit room with other people but at night in bed my head turns them into the sound of someone walking along the hallway. It’s always someone walking towards our bedroom in my mind, this is why I’ve never been able to sleep with my back to the bedroom door. I need to be able to see what is coming.
Still all these years later these thoughts will keep me awake for hours and end up with me becoming terrified of nothing. Too scared to let go of the covers but melting with how hot I’ve become. When I finally fall asleep I dream. These are vivid dreams of either someone in the room or something in the bed and I don’t just dream, every once in a while I will wake up screaming full pelt and my husband has to calm me down. Either that or i will jump out of the bed in my sleep and start checking it for whatever was in it in my dream that night.
These nightmares don’t last for long and sometimes don’t amount to full on screaming but just waking with a start with my heart racing. These times I don’t wake Scott and mostly just lay there scared until I fall back to sleep again.
This is something I’ve had since I was a child and I’ve honestly no idea how to stop it. I’ve never talked to anyone about it or looked into anything that could be the trigger or might help and I’m writing about it here for the first time because I’m ready for it to stop now.
I know these fears are irrational and as a parent I would explain the same to my daughter were she to have them but how can I when I’m still having them myself?
Life is better when you have people to help you through. We aren’t meant to live life alone, We are social creatures who were given the mental ability to be able to interact with other human beings on complex levels so why struggle on your own?
It’s so easy to look at other people’s lives and think of the differences and reasons you shouldn’t interact but what about looking for reasons you should? When you are feeling negative about life or suffering with low self esteem or aniexty it’s all too easy to sit at home alone and feel like that is the best option . After all why would anyone want to talk to you if you are feeling so low, they are far too busy off doing exciting things to want to spend their time talking to you right?
Wrong! Talking to people makes you feel better, fact. Even if you talk about other things You don’t have to talk about the elephant in the room, your aniexty or low self esteem but just talking and relaxing in the good company of others will make you feel human again. Laughing,enjoying yourself, spending time with people who genuinely care about you is a positive thing and you will benefit from it!
Shutting people out when you are feeling fed up is easy to do, you may feel like your problems are small, unimportant or that others are just not interested but I assure you there is someone out there that is. Whether they listen and give advice or come up with solutions that work around your situation and make you feel better without realising, seeing people is good for the soul.
Friends are friends for a reason, just remember they may have problems, niggles or just general moans they want to get off their chest too and even if they don’t they may do one day so don’t feel like you are a burden, a failure, moaning for no reason or have problems people can’t or won’t help with because spending time with people really does help. Like they say laughter really is the best medicine so laugh, joke, have fun and forget your worries if only for a few hours.
So it was that time again today, back in the chair. As much as I come to look forward to these appointments so we can move on with the treatment there is also a tiny amount of dread in my mind for what new device will be fitted to my teeth this time!
Today was fairly manageable in comparison to some of the appointments I’ve had over the last year and a month. There were two brackets taken off the bottom front teeth and two new ones put on in slightly different places. This will hopefully even my bottom teeth out as they are all slightly different lengths at the moment.
My coiled spring type device on the bottom was removed as the tooth that was so out of line last time is now right in line with the others which I’m really pleased about.
Along the top we are still moving my teeth into the gaps at the sides where my extractions were, the left side is moved enough but once the right side has moved she will start to align the front top teeth exactly where she wants them.
So this time there were no chain links on the front top teeth which means I can eat tomato soup and curry again 😁 the bottom teeth have no crazy wire covers or spring links on which means I’ve left the orthodontist today looking more “normal” than I have in months!
I’ve had quite a few problems with wire cutting my inside cheeks these past 6 weeks. Today it’s my bottom front lip that has a large sore part so I bought some wax from the ortho in a cute pink box to help me get over the fact that I’m still using the stuff over a year in!
A couple of people have commented over the Christmas period, mainly due to the amount of photos that are taken, but how much T is smiling with her teeth out now. This was one of the main reasons I started this whole process, my little girl was refusing to smile with her teeth out in photos because Mummy never did. Now I’m so confident in my teeth I’m already smiling with them out even though they still have braces on and so is she!
I would never have believed that would be happening if you had told me a year ago.
Keep on with your appointments anyone who is going through this because although it may be slow going it’s 100% worth it!
So it’s Christmas Eve eve and we have made it through this mad week! T finished school Tuesday and had a sleepover at her friends house until Wednesday. They had a really fun day all day Wednesday making Christmas crafts and playing at an indoor play.
I finished work Wednesday after a really funny secret Santa and Christmas buffet where I must have eaten my own body weight in sugary foods! (Cue workouts beginning again soon) I left work with a chalk board mug and gave out a novelty apron of a speedo clad man to a friend which they didn’t take off all day 😂
Thursday was all great, me and T had done the Christmas food shopping and had a friend round for coffee, presents and mince pies with their two children. We had a great afternoon catching up and entertaining little Kaleb who is into everything!
The evening was not so great. T is very funny about blood, injections and anything else like that. When she had her booster injection before starting school she fainted and had to be laid down in the nurses room for a little while, when her first few teeth came out she would almost faint with the blood and when she saw me have a blood test when I was in hospital last year she nearly fainted. This is said it’s been over a year since anything like this happened so I thought we were over it. Then Thursday evening she comes to me with a little cut on her finger, I go to get a plaster and by the time I come back she is hyperventilating, I try to calm her down but she goes pale and collapses on me in the kitchen. She is only out a couple of seconds but it’s the most scary thing seeing your childs eyes roll and watching them struggle not to choke on their tongue. So she came round and we got up off the kitchen floor and moved to the sofa where she fainted again and then was sick. After this it was like she was back in the room suddenly she was with it and everything was fine. Poor T had a bad headache and was very tired for the rest of the evening falling asleep on me watching The Grinch, something she’s not done in a long time.
I now know I shouldn’t have moved her from the kitchen floor so quickly after she fainted the first time so this is probably why she went again. I just thought get off the floor and away from the bin she had knocked over but moving too quickly can cause fainting again I now know.
It’s clear she has no control over this and no amount of me saying ‘You’re ok, come on, you’re alright’ will help once she is like this I just need to try and find out the best thing to do when it happens.
Yesterday she woke up much better, she was just hungry! 😊 She spent the day with her Dad and we met again at her last riding lesson of the year where she tried really hard even though she was on her own! Today I can’t wait to get her back home because then I know she is home for Christmas. One more person and our little family will all be here- Scott is on 12 hour days until tomorrow when he gets home at
6 for Christmas!
I’d just like to say thank you to each and every one of you for reading this year, I appreciate every comment, like and view of my posts and really enjoy reading yours. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful new year and heres to lots more blogging next year! Lou x