From a young age I’ve always been scared of the dark. I would have screaming nightmares where my Mum would have to come and calm me down in the middle of the night and was terrified to sleep without the hall light on.
Fast forward 30 years and I’m still that person. Although I no longer sleep with the light on I still have an irrational fear of the dark. If the lights are suddenly turned off without me expecting I either get angry or my heart races to my mouth and my breath races. Our house is very creaky as it’s warming up and cooling down and these noises are bearable if I’m in a lit room with other people but at night in bed my head turns them into the sound of someone walking along the hallway. It’s always someone walking towards our bedroom in my mind, this is why I’ve never been able to sleep with my back to the bedroom door. I need to be able to see what is coming.
Still all these years later these thoughts will keep me awake for hours and end up with me becoming terrified of nothing. Too scared to let go of the covers but melting with how hot I’ve become. When I finally fall asleep I dream. These are vivid dreams of either someone in the room or something in the bed and I don’t just dream, every once in a while I will wake up screaming full pelt and my husband has to calm me down. Either that or i will jump out of the bed in my sleep and start checking it for whatever was in it in my dream that night.
These nightmares don’t last for long and sometimes don’t amount to full on screaming but just waking with a start with my heart racing. These times I don’t wake Scott and mostly just lay there scared until I fall back to sleep again.
This is something I’ve had since I was a child and I’ve honestly no idea how to stop it. I’ve never talked to anyone about it or looked into anything that could be the trigger or might help and I’m writing about it here for the first time because I’m ready for it to stop now.
I know these fears are irrational and as a parent I would explain the same to my daughter were she to have them but how can I when I’m still having them myself?
Life is better when you have people to help you through. We aren’t meant to live life alone, We are social creatures who were given the mental ability to be able to interact with other human beings on complex levels so why struggle on your own?
It’s so easy to look at other people’s lives and think of the differences and reasons you shouldn’t interact but what about looking for reasons you should? When you are feeling negative about life or suffering with low self esteem or aniexty it’s all too easy to sit at home alone and feel like that is the best option . After all why would anyone want to talk to you if you are feeling so low, they are far too busy off doing exciting things to want to spend their time talking to you right?
Wrong! Talking to people makes you feel better, fact. Even if you talk about other things You don’t have to talk about the elephant in the room, your aniexty or low self esteem but just talking and relaxing in the good company of others will make you feel human again. Laughing,enjoying yourself, spending time with people who genuinely care about you is a positive thing and you will benefit from it!
Shutting people out when you are feeling fed up is easy to do, you may feel like your problems are small, unimportant or that others are just not interested but I assure you there is someone out there that is. Whether they listen and give advice or come up with solutions that work around your situation and make you feel better without realising, seeing people is good for the soul.
Friends are friends for a reason, just remember they may have problems, niggles or just general moans they want to get off their chest too and even if they don’t they may do one day so don’t feel like you are a burden, a failure, moaning for no reason or have problems people can’t or won’t help with because spending time with people really does help. Like they say laughter really is the best medicine so laugh, joke, have fun and forget your worries if only for a few hours.
Linkin Park were a band I loved from the release of their first album Hybrid Theory in 2000. Their music was like nothing else I had ever enjoyed listening to before, Their lyrics were so powerful and the delivery by Chester Bennington was mesmerizing. They made me want to play the CD over and over again.
Throughout the years I bought every album they ever released and their lyrics reached out to me during difficult times. One particular song Braking the habit I listened to when a friend was going through addiction and I was trying to help. It was then I learnt how powerful the hold of addiction was and how you can only help someone if they want to help themselves. You can’t mind them 24 hours a day and their demons will creep in at some stage. Even if you are begging them not to listen and give in, if deep down they don’t want to it’s a fruitless task.
Chester Bennington had struggled with depression and drug and alcohol problems throughout his life and in the end even his wife and 6 children were eventually not enough to stop him from taking his own life on the birthday of Chris Cornell, his dear friend who had taken his own life only months earlier.
Mental health is real, it needs to be talked about and the stigma taken away so people feel they can be open about their problems and not have to deal with them behind closed doors. Chester was in the middle of a huge tour, the band had a new album out and everything was going great. He had everything to live for but sadly that wasn’t enough and who knows maybe if he had felt he could have just taken a step back and allowed himself time to deal with the grief of losing a friend in such a way and got the help he needed he may still be here today.
Chester Bennington was a talent, a star who will always be remembered and my thoughts go out to his family and friends left behind to pick up the pieces and rebuild after the hole im sure he has left in their lives.
“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.” Linkin Park – In The End