As we approach December I find myself starting look back on my family relationships during the year. Let’s face it families aren’t perfect wherever you are in the world and I’m sure mine have less problems than most but that doesn’t stop me trying. Trying to create the ‘perfect family relationships’. If there even is such a thing. All I know is another year has passed and I find myself no closer to that family bond I feel like I’ve been searching for forever.
Ok with my sister in New York and my brother in Japan I don’t expect to be going round for tea every week, I would just like to be in touch more. As it is at the moment the only contact we have now is through Instagram, which I only installed so I could keep up with their lives as they are both too busy to message occasionally to see how we are. I understand everyone is busy and I have to admit I’ve even given up slightly this year on my sister’s side because it’s always so hard to get a response or a conversation going when I do message, it’s easier to just not message and then I won’t be disappointed when I don’t get the response I was after. My brother I made a big effort with before he went off to Japan and was in contact regularly, went to visit him and contacted him regularly through his first few days and weeks just to check in but still he was a day late saying Happy birthday to me.
I feel like he will go the same way, I will end up not messaging so I don’t get disappointed.
Closer to home my extended family is still something I’m struggling to feel like I belong in. I think at the start of Scott and my relationship I made a massive effort and had playdates, coffee catch ups etc. As time has gone on it has felt like no one else really wanted to make this effort so I stepped back slightly. I feel like they have a lot in common with each other that I’m not a part of, they have been family for a lot longer than I have been we are talking over 10 years here compared to my 4, but I feel like this year I’ve felt more on the outside than ever.
I guess this is a continual process that will hopefully grow as my years in the family grow, for now I’m left feeling almost nervous when we do meet up because I just dont have the closeness they have.
When it comes to my immediate family my relationship with my mother continues to be up and down as it always has been. The fact is we are different people and have completely different ways of thinking, she would never think to make herself available for my daughter’s birthday party wheras when I am a lucky enough to have a grandchild I will be the first one in line at their party, and any single time grandparents are invited into school you just think about stopping me! Once again I never give up trying, asking for these things but always end up disappointed when they don’t happen.
My Nan is my rock,my closest family member. We talk all the time and she knows everything about me, she knows when T has a parents evening or I have the orthodontist, she knows how hard Scott and I work and how we always put everyone else before ourselves hence why money is often tight. She doesn’t use this against us and sees us for who we are, always being there, without judgement, with unconditional love for all of us.
I don’t know how many more years I will go on wishing my family bonds were closer but I know it’s been years so far and still the relationships remain the same. All I can do is show T myself how close a family unit should be and hopefully when she grows up we I will finally have my close family unit I’ve always wanted.
Thanks for reading